This past weekend, I attended TWO kids birthday parties! And I hate kids’ birthday parties! You drive to some place you had your kids birthday. You see a frantic mother and father try to keep it together. And if your child doesn’t see the guest of honor, you have to ask. “ Excuse me, is this the party for Timmy O’Toole?” “No, this is the party for Guang Xu.” So, you get to the party and you know no one because its all students from your kids class, and you don’t have the time to go to the PTA, PTO or whatever the hell is called in your neck of the woods. Now your standing around not knowing anybody, as there is nothing to do and usually nothing for the parents! The parents already shelled out a mortgage payment for this rip off joint, so its “Screw the parents.” I know because I have been there. I argued with my kids mother on who’s going to pay for it and I had to be cheap! So no food, or drinks. And I don’ t know anyone and I just arrived! So now I look around for some “eye candy.” And its always the Real Housewives of Costco. And the fathers are all tools. None of these dads worked in a maximum security jail or traveled through the Suez Canal (I did both!) They see me as that dysfunctional dad you see pop up in sitcoms that don’t make a lot of money and drinks too much!
Now the kids eat, and you don’t! Your starving and that premade garbage pizza looks like a Ribeye from Morton’s or Ruth Chris! And you get none because the hosts only ordered for the kids. If you are lucky, you will get one slice of pizza! Just one! Then its cake time! And its too small. When the cake is cut, the kids complain about the tiny portions! At least when I was married, my then wife made sure there was enough cake to go around and take home! For her! In the past, kids used to open the presents. Now, no presents as the establishment has to get the room ready for the next bunch of suckers! So now the kids get a goodie bag with candy they don’t need as they are full of sugar and junky toys that are going to fill your kids toy box even more!!!!
But like Jon Taffer, I offer solutions. First; keep the guest list small. Just your kids closest friends. Not the entire class. Today schools want you to invite everyone. Everyone gets a piece of cake! No! Second; hold the party where you can bring your food. A pizza from Papa John’s is cheaper than a pizza from Chuck E. Cheese. Also the soda and other snacks are also much cheaper at the store. Third: get your cake from a store or bakery, even if you have to buy the food from a place. And get a cake one size bigger than the bakery suggests. Fourth: if you serve pizza, serve only cheese and pepperoni. Don’t get those fancy pies with pineapple, vegetables or cheesesteak! Fifth: if you do want to use party bags, buy the premade ones. It will save time and your sanity. Sixth: do not forget the parents. Have some adult beverages available. Feed them. Hell, you might even make a friend!
Years ago when one of my kids was in girl scouts, I had to go to a bridging ceremony. It was held at another family’s home. It was a nice house in a nice neighborhood, far away from my part of town. The family had an impressive liquor supply! Now for the food. It was all labeled Great Value. I know this brand. Because I shop at Walmart all the time! It was all cheap shit. Including the hamburgers. It was the burgers you threw on the grill and they shrank! And the Walmart buns were crap too! It was a hot summer afternoon. There was maybe a six pack of soda, juice boxes and little bottles of water!!!!! I was so pissed! These people did not want to put out a decent spread!
SEVEN FIVE RADIO 